chapter 9 - last nite, i dreamt of war..

monday morning, raining, and i did dreamt of war last nite. feels tired today. i spend my whole nite running away from bombs and gunshots..maybe its because i watch 28 weeks later before i went to sleep.

selsema...flu...idong gatal...i spend around 16 hours sleeping in total yesterday...stil not enough though...

meet da gals last saturday nite, maria still maria...diana still diana...its just ema finally found her happiness, good for her, she did suffer too much for the past 2 years. hepi for her, bit jealous actually...eli, still eli..

n suddenly manggis makes me smile....tp...i'm fasting today...so...consider xde redjeki la...hmm

nk tulis apa td...lupa dh ni...ni la padah tulis blog, analyze data n dgr lagu at da same time...

(after some times, kiut dah data)
something triggered on me last weekend as mr. D told me to think about my future sometimes...don't be to comfort with my life now..with frens, family, work...n not realizing how fast time goes by..i'm happy now, thats true. perhaps its because i'm in my comfort zone. x fikir byk pasal org lain...just diri sendiri...he's got point there...smpai bila nak duduk dlm comfort zone?

why we just can't get it all?
ema, she's happy now, but after losing her parents..
diana, already found the well paid job, but suffers inside..
maria, for all the ups and downs, n losing the rite one..
eli, once i thought i've got it all..but i was wrong..i dont have it all at the same time.
i found something and losing something else...

for now, i'm glad with what i have, let go what i've lost and hoping for what i dont have...

the weather makes me jiwang today..we always blame it on the weather...




p/s: kekasih gelapku? hmmm....mmg jiwang budak ni ari ni...
hari lepas hujan... :)

chapter 8 - hari lepas hujan

i love this song...no matter what version..frankie vallie, lauryn hill, muse, name it..juz can't take my eyes off you.

macam hari lepas hujan..
suka..
cane rasa hari lepas hujan? hmm...fresh, sejuk, hijau, bersih, suka, senyum, hepi...

eventho, my brain sensor worked slowly today, but i do feel like hari lepas hujan..
perhaps its because, my niece notice that i'm not slow like yesterday..n my sista did admit that she mengumpat me dgn kawan2 dia psl perangai anak2 bongsu yg buat family pening...as in, mak dah semangat nak buat kenduri but anak mcm buat xtau je...n i'm not the only one, adik2 kawan2 dia pun camtu gak...
anak bongsu comes in 1 package..so...wat to do..
n..my gigi bongsu, finally kuar sket..x sakit dah, tp...asyik gigit pipi je time makan..gigi bongsu, juz like anak bongsu kot..
n..today, after 2 months, saya makan beras semula...suddenly rindu..gigit2 benda keras..best betul...beras, still da best snack ever...

bik ye dah x slow macam smalam...hahahaha....
-tribute to adlina-

chapter 7 - the unwritten and unspoken

there are times when we feel something that we cant describe. as in there's no words for it..perhaps it was meant to be kept by ourselves.

a smile that comes from nowhere, tears that suddenly appears, a sense of hollow that sometimes we felt..indescribable..

i do believe that sometimes, anytime, anywhere in this world, everybody have felt the feeling of loneliness..even when we're in open space filled with people..when we actually have everything..but we just feel empty...feels like there's a big empty hole in our heart..it just came..where we will feel the urgency to fill our heart with something...anything...where we really need someone to be with us..even just to sit beside us...or to smile....

and there are times when we're actually alone...but our heart feels warm..like we don need anything more..feels satisfied with what we already had...but...still...alone....

there's always explanation for everything we felt...things that i thought indescribable is actually describable....when people cant describe what they felt, is actually because they didn't want to describe it...afraid to admit perhaps...or afraid to feel....or afraid to let go....


then, it was left...unwritten and unspoken....
just words....
the unwritten and unspoken...they are just words....
but i guess...its hard for someone to do so...

myself....i rather say i'm feelingless than to admit...
selfish? coward?
perhaps...i would say...i'm..observing....

hahaha....silly gal...still dont want to admit...apa la nak jadi ni....

chapter 6 - matahari besar

matahari besar - actually it was a sunset view i saw at kesas hiway, on the way back from endurance..failed to capture the view, but still remember it...
last week @ my room, while i'm confused with which baju kurung to wear for my cousin's wedding, suddenly the view flashed into my mind. matahari besar...

there's so many questions in my mind now, mainly, it all involve wiring harness of a car...what connection, which for what, purge, weight etc. etc. guess my life is quite dull now....thank god my previous weekend was fun...

i can sing mawi's song angan dan sedar quite ok now...thanks to my thoughtful sister..she burned a CD for our journey and only include 3 mawi's songs...when my mum and sista travelling in the same car, they need mawi...3 will do...n the song still lingers in my ears 'till now...a result of 30 times angan dan sedar...

guess need to resume my work now...go electrical...go wiring harness...my eyes are wired up now...hmm.....

wat to do....hanged..........

ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZzzzz

chapter 5 - a quiet friday afternoon

sitting alone in my office...writing blog, listening to radio, trying to book tickets for transformers...
the internet is hopelessly slow today..huhh....no sign of transformers tickets until now...

still smiling today. what made me smile? its because i know myself better now...
my heart (qalbun maridh) - a sick heart. i began to understand that and i'm healing my heart..

i'm very positive now. living in denial? hmmm...
perhaps..i'm just waiting..
waiting for something right to happen to me...

waiting for someone...
am i ready?
a friend of mine did ask that question yesterday...if the person is right n suit me...why not?

do i fancy someone now?
hahahaha....i'll leave that question for future...or unanswered...

is that the the reason? for why i'm smiling...not sick of love songs?
nahh...i'm not denying but the real reason is...finally, i'm opening my heart...
i'm alone now...but i'm happy...i'm optimistic...optimus prime...transformers?

sometimes...its better to let things happen naturally rather than pushing hard...its better to let go rather than holding on...its better to observe rather than to bond..and its better to smile rather than to laugh...

thanks to people around me...for always being there...n for all the guidance...
now i know that...appreciating is better than hoping for more..

error: no response from tgv = no transformers ticket booked...
surrender dah...tp nak transformers....aduhh....

chapter 4 - not sick of love songs anymore.....

i do smile a lot lately....despite of being busy, i smile a lot...i get my "smiling wrinkles" back...a good sign indeed

i smile at micheal buble's everything, celine dion's to love you more, alanis morisette's hand in my pockets, backstreet boys' spanish eyes.....i even smile at mawi's new song....and accidently memorize it...

still love my chemical romance's disenchanted though...

still wonder...what made me smile...

smiles at nice view...smiles at teases....smiles at jokes....smiles at everything...
my heart is smiling...my eyes are smiling....i am smiling....

i'm not sick of love songs...anymore...


"I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby"

"I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm hard but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby"

alanis morisette-hand in my pocket